My wedding anniversary is coming up. Every year midsummer, I think about the vows we made and how we continue to live out those vows. And if I’m being honest, sometimes I think about how we fall short on that.
Everyone knows that having children changes your marriage. It brings you to a new way of living, and the time you had for your spouse is now utilized differently. There are so many reasons for this—and children are a great blessing—but sometimes marriage can take a hit while child-rearing. A mentor of mine once told me, “You can’t be a good parent if you aren’t a good spouse.”
And there is truth in this. Our families began when God joined us together as husband and wife. In a world without sin, we would see thriving families and unshakeable marriages. Why our marriages may weaken during this stage of life is varied. As parents, we need reminders and permission to take time for our marriage. It is important. And it’s important for your kids.
Lead by Example
In our sin-marred world, many unbiblical expressions of marriage have been normalized (and it’s not just the ones that make headlines). We are the ones who can teach our children a different way. We are the ones who can show Christ’s picture of the union of husband and wife. This picture includes balance, unity, grace, passion—and love. We need our children to see their parents’s marriage as imperfect but desirable. We do this by showing them that we prioritize time to connect with our spouse physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. We show them what God’s design looks like.
God’s Design Is Passionate
Marriage is the only acceptable place for sexual expression. And that is a good and holy thing. Despite how the world, or your teenager’s hormones, may view this with a sense of claustrophobia—that it’s prudish and not appealing—God shows us how passionate this design is.
Song of Solomon begins with a public wedding and then ventures into the private wedding night. From the first few verses, it feels as if one could cut the sexual tension with a chainsaw!
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you. Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. Song of (Solomon 1:2–4)
God’s design of marriage reflects how passionate He is about us. He loves us so much, even when we turn away from Him, that He facilitates our return to Him through Jesus’ sacrifice, death, and resurrection. The book of Hosea also shows an image of this. God calls Hosea to marry Gomer, who was adulterous. Even though Gomer cheats on Hosea, God directs him to redeem her, to buy her back (Hosea 3).
Obviously, there are passionate parts of your marriage that will never be for anyone but the married couple. But you can still model passionate, marital love to your kids. Kiss a little bit longer before one of you leaves for work. Compliment your spouse and encourage him or her. Hold hands in the car. There are safe ways to show your kids that marriage is passionate.
God’s Design Is United
Mark 10:9 states, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” This verse is used in wedding ceremonies and exclaims that the Lord has united a husband and a wife.
Unity in marriage doesn’t mean that there are no disagreements or challenges. One way that we can show this to our children is by learning to “fight well” with our spouse. Of course, not all disagreements need to be paraded out in front of our children. But our children and their relationships will be better for seeing healthy disagreements and compromises. Despite differences, spouses are united toward the same goals.
There are some categories of disagreements that my children will never see. My mother-in-law gave me the marital advice of “affirm in public, disagree in private.” How I think my spouse should have handled a parenting situation better or his choice to let a kid have a cookie fifteen minutes before dinner would be one of these. But even so, God can use these disagreements to promote the value of unity in your family.
God’s Design Is Grace-Filled
In Romans 12, we find a set of verses that I would say are the perfect guidelines for marriage.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. (Romans 12:9–11)
The phrase “outdo one another in showing honor” sticks out to me. What does it look like to outdo your spouse in showing him or her honor? I believe this means we give grace when others are weak, and when they are strong, we give praise. We utilize our understanding of the Eighth Commandment to put the best construction on things, and when sin does enter our household, we ask for, receive, and accept forgiveness. In doing this within our marriage, we show our children that we are not perfect and that marriage isn’t the “thing” that makes us whole. The only place we are made whole is by the holes in our Savior’s hands. Upon the cross, Jesus took on our imperfect, selfish ways and paid the price. Through our Baptism, we are united into His death, and therefore into His resurrection. Hold fast; all things are being made new.
So here it is: this is your permission slip to do something for your marriage once a week this month. It doesn’t have to be big, but I am giving you one assignment: let your kids see you do this. God gives grace, and even though our marriages are imperfect, God uses them to teach our kids about His plan for their lives.
Scripture: ESV®.
Use verses from this month’s Everyday Faith Calendar to foster conversations about healthy marriages.
