My cell phone rang early on the day after Christmas, and I knew.
Just a few weeks before, Dad’s health had worsened, and he ended up in the hospital. He was now in a rehab center, trying to get well enough to go back home. On Christmas morning, my mom wheeled my dad from the rehab center down the sidewalk and into their little cottage on the senior living campus. Dad was in great spirits. He loved Christmas.
He was as engaging and funny as ever as we opened presents, but by the afternoon, he was exhausted. With some difficulty, we helped him transfer from his special recliner to his wheelchair, and we rolled him back to the rehab center. I hugged him and left, but Mom stayed longer, making sure that he was comfortable in his bed, that his water was close, that the nurses knew he was back.
The next morning, he was unresponsive, and the nurses called an ambulance and then my mom. He revived somewhat at the hospital, enough to joke with us and charm the nurses. But the rally was temporary. On December 27, 2023, at age 87, Dad went to be with the Lord.
I felt privileged to be with my parents (and my aunt) at Dad’s passing. I got to see the tender ending to my parents’ love story, the joy between them even after a decade of Dad’s worsening health and disability. There, by his bedside, they whispered their love to each other, each insisting that the other was the best thing in their life.
The Heart of Marriage
Neither my parents’ marriage nor my childhood were perfect. They both came into their relationship having experienced betrayal and divorce. We were a blended family, which is difficult to navigate for both adults and children. Despite these challenges and the normal ups and downs of professional, personal, and family life, I never questioned their love and faithfulness to each other.
I thought of my parents, particularly during the last part of Dad’s life, as I read Reclaiming the Heart of Marriage by David Shadday. The study traces the marriage covenant of God and God’s people from Genesis to Revelation, which culminates with the marriage supper of the Lamb (Jesus) and His Bride (the church). As Shadday drew parallels between God’s marriage covenant and the practice of Christian marriage, my mind leapt to ways I had seen my parents (and my in-laws) mirror the sacrificial love and service of Christ and His Bride.
A Child’s View
Life wasn’t necessarily easy in working-class Pennsylvania in the 1970s and 1980s, but even in hard times, it was Mom and Dad against the world.
My siblings and I knew that the worst thing we could do was talk back to Mom in Dad’s presence. He was fiercely protective of her, and she of him. They were well aware of each other’s shortcomings and could have some “spirited” arguments. Even in conflict, though, they refrained from name-calling, cussing, and door slamming. And if their arguments ever lasted more than a couple of hours, we kids didn’t see it. Likely as not, by the next day, Mom would be giggling in the kitchen at something Dad said.
Because I grew up with parents who treated each other with respect and love (even when negative emotions ran high), I avoided the damaging young adult relationships that I saw among my peers. Even though I was looking to date men who were very different in personality and interests from my parents, I expected to be treated with the same care and concern I saw growing up.
Enduring Love
A child doesn’t necessarily see the sacrificial part of love, but as we all grew older and Dad’s health grew fragile, I saw a kind of enduring and sacrificial love that reminded me of Jesus.
Over a number of years, Dad slowly became less mobile. That didn’t stop him from doing as many of the household chores as he could manage. He never really learned to cook, but even as walking became a struggle, he continued to clear his plate from the dinner table, holding it in a trembling hand. He stood against the sink, rinsed dishes, and put them in the dishwasher. He didn’t want all the work of cooking and cleaning to fall to my mom. He said that she already had to do too much.
When Dad could no longer bend down to put his shoes on, Mom did.
Jesus began His last night with His beloved disciples by kneeling before them with a basin of water and washing their feet. In my dad’s last years, Mom showed that kind of love. Dad sometimes echoed Peter, feeling unworthy of her humble—and sometimes physically exhausting—service. But Mom continued, refusing to move him to assisted care if that meant being separated from him.
In those years, Mom imaged for me the woman with the alabaster jar, pouring out precious time and work and love. She was Martha, changing the way she cooked as the doctors changed Dad’s diet, keeping his cup of iced water filled, helping him get dressed or out of his chair. She was Mary, still attending church when she could, or staying home and watching it on TV with Dad. And yes, she reminded me of Jesus, putting aside her own needs to take care of her husband.
The two of them endured to the end, faithful to God and each other.
Everyday Love
My husband’s parents are starting down a similar road, but with a role reversal. My mother-in-law is the one with declining health, and my father-in-law has already adjusted his life to her current needs. My husband and I, as well as our children, have already noticed his patience and kindness to her, and her love and deep trust in him.
As I contemplate my own thirty-three-year marriage, I realize that all the small, everyday acts of service between my husband and me are both empowered by God’s love for us and our parents’ legacy. When our children were young, and one of us dragged ourselves out of bed to attend to a nightmare; when I broke my foot and my husband took over cooking, cleaning, and driving children around; when my husband gets a migraine and I take over for the day to let him recover. Each small act of love builds our character and our relationship to better reflect His glory. I pray that we will mirror God’s love and faithfulness to our children like our parents have done for us.
Learn more about how the relationship between a husband and wife in Christian marriage reflects Christ in David Shadday’s Bible study, Reclaiming the Heart of Marriage.
