I’ve learned a lot in the forty-plus years I have spent as a parish pastor and Christian husband. Inspired by my recent work in my Bible study Reclaiming the Heart of Marriage, I’ve distilled forty lessons I’ve learned relating to Christ and the church, male and female, parents and children, pastoral care and congregational ministry, and other general observations.
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1. We are defined by God’s purpose in creating us, but even more by our redemption in Christ Jesus.
Many Christians assume that what defines us is our creation. That was certainly true of Adam and Eve. God created us to be in a loving relationship with Him. But in sin, that relationship was lost. God’s purpose can be achieved only by His grace in the forgiveness won for us by Jesus on the cross. His grace to us, received by faith, defines who we are.
2. God’s action toward us is not due to some great sense of obligation but is the result of His wondrous love.
The older I get, the more I appreciate the love of God. So much of what we do is obligation. God obligated Himself with His promises because of His love for us, and He fulfilled that love in the incarnation. The incarnate God then demonstrated that love by accomplishing our salvation on the cross.
3. In Scripture, love is not primarily emotion but action; God’s action toward us, and then God’s action in us.
Vast numbers of our fellow citizens are ruled by emotion. They assume that love is simply—and only—something felt. But Scripture describes God’s love for us in terms of His actions on our behalf. “God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son …” (John 3:16). This is not only true of His love for us but also of His love in us. Jesus says in Luke 6:27–28: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”
4. Jesus’ words in Matthew 20:25–28 are the definition of authority and headship, which is applied to the headship of the husband in the family. This authority is exercised by Christlike love.
Our world sees authority as power, which is used to attain much, with the perks of the power attained. Jesus affirms that authority is rightly demonstrated in service: “Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28). Husbands must understand their headship in this context. It is the exercise of this headship that Paul refers to when he says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). My headship in my home is exercised in sacrificial love and service.
5. The subjection of the church to Christ is not primarily what she does but what she receives (so also wives).
The church’s subjection to Jesus’ sacrificial love is to receive what He does. She does not try to save herself but submits to His action on her behalf. Her action is her response to His love. My wife’s subjection to my headship is her reception of my sacrificial love. What she does is in response to that love.
6. Anyone looking for a real man must go to the cross.
So many young men search for role models, seeking to be a real man. They often look to sports figures or other high-profile men. These men too often disappoint. Paul, in Ephesians 5:25–27, calls us to the realization that Christ on the cross is the end of our search. Jesus’ death on the cross for us defines love, and thus defines manhood.
7. Christ is not anywhere on the line that has macho man on one end and simpering wimp on the other. He is “other” to which men are called.
The extremes we see for manhood are the tyrannical macho man on one end and the marshmallow man on the other end—we too often see these men in television husbands and dads. The portrayal of the macho man is someone who is completely self-absorbed, not caring about the women he uses and abuses. Are there such men? Yes. Are there as many as we are led to believe? Probably not. The simpering wimps on television are incapable of making a decision, cowering to the whims of whoever the dominant character is. Are there such men? Probably. Are there large numbers of such men? Probably not. The assumption is that a real man is somewhere between these two. Jesus bears no resemblance to either. He is completely selfless. His first, foremost, and only consideration is the welfare of His beloved. His love for us is a different conversation than the world can comprehend, let alone carry on.
8. Jesus is not a new commandment or expectation. To imitate Him is to see how He has loved us and, by the Spirit’s grace, show that love to others, especially to our spouse and children.
The temptation in following an example is to make that example a new law or expectation. Jesus is not the Eleventh Commandment. Loving is not fulfilling an obligation. The issue in showing His love is not asking how close we came to being Him but whether we loved. If you are focused on what you are doing, you are likely not showing the love of Jesus. If your focus is on the one you love, it likely is. As John says in his first epistle, “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Our simple prayer is, “Spirit, love in me.”
9. Compromise on male/female, marriage, and other such issues, is a threat to our understanding of our relationship to God in Christ.
The voices in society to redefine male and female are loud and, at times, rabid. The temptation is to go along to get along. But male and female, in Scripture, isn’t just who we are but who God is in relationship to us. For us to compromise on this issue is to compromise who Christ is in the covenant of salvation. For the sake of souls everywhere, we cannot, and must not, do so.
10. Marriage was instituted by God in paradise.
When we discuss what marriage is and how we are to be stewards of it, we must keep in mind that it came out of paradise. While marriage is affected by sin, we must bear in mind that it is a gift given prior to the fall into sin. All other human institutions came after Eden lost. This requires a somewhat different approach and conversation.
11. Despite being tainted by sin, marriage remains the divine act of God uniting male and female into one flesh.
We tend to think that sin has made everything less than it would be in Eden. So we might assume that the gift of marriage is less than it was before the fall. The miracle God does in uniting us as husband and wife is not less; we are. What God has joined together is a wondrous miracle. He unites us as one flesh. The separation comes from us, in our sinful stewardship of the gift He has given. The challenge is to live by the Spirit, through faith, the unity God has forged as a confession of the covenant of salvation between Christ and the church.
12. The differences between male and female are real and intentionally created.
Many in our society claim that the differences between men and women result from environmental factors. Some claim that male domination caused these differences to evolve. Others think that the differences are simply the product of stereotyped expectations. God intentionally created these differences for our welfare.
13. When those differences are frustrating, I remember that they are what attracted me to Sherry in the first place.
I have been married to my wife, Sherry, for forty-four years. I married her because she was very different from me. We share the same values but have very different gifts and abilities. We think differently. This is what God intended. While these differences were created by God, they are often a great source of frustration. In these moments, I have to find ways to remind myself about why I was, and am, attracted to her. Her differences are a gift. Part of my stewardship of what God has given me is the constant reminder that the ways Sherry is different from me is how God completes the puzzle of what is our one-flesh unity.
14. The differences were created so that each could be a complement to the other. Sinful man sees the differences between male and female as conflict, where God created them to be complement.
My life has been lived, among other things, in the time of the battle of the sexes. The differences between men and women have either been discussed in terms of superiority and inferiority, or have been downplayed to the point where the differences are suppressed to achieve social or political gain. God did not create us for conflict but to complement each other. We are not called to suppress the gift that we are to each other but to use them as a blessing.
15. True women’s (and men’s) liberation is the discovery of who they were created and redeemed to be.
“Women’s liberation” has been an issue in America for about a century. The part about being liberated from abusive tyrants in their homes is essential. So many other aspects have been positive as well. Women have suffered terribly through being dehumanized by men. Unfortunately, the call for equality has too often been confused with the desire to be the same. Too many women and men have lost their identity as male and female to some same-sex egalitarian existence that enslaves them to be what they are not instead of freeing them to be who they are. True freedom is the ability to be who you are as male or female and to receive, and show, the fulfilling love of Christ to one another. In this gracious blessing, we contribute our differences to one another to bless as God created and redeemed us to bless.
16. When doing “chores” in love, they cease to be chores.
Much is said about “honey-do lists.” Things one does for one’s spouse can easily be seen as nothing more than obligations, a form of necessary evil. Too often, we do these things begrudgingly. I confess this is too often the case with me. Growing up, I hated doing the dishes. But I discovered that when I am doing the dishes out of love for Sherry, I really don’t mind doing the dishes. It’s not so much the thing itself but why you are doing it that turns chores into acts of love.
17. Headship is leading by showing the sacrificial love of Jesus.
Ephesians 5:25–33 teaches that Christ is the head of the church and that husbands are the head of their wives. Jesus’ headship is exercised by His loving sacrifice for her. Husbands are called to love as Christ does. This is service to the point of death. Worldly husbands exercise lordship by being served. Christian husbands exercise headship by loving and serving sacrificially, to the point of death. This headship is not exercised by compulsion of law but by the grace of the Holy Spirit at work in them.
18. 50-50 marriages are law, 100-100 marriages are expressions of Christ and the church.
One could fill a medium-size room with marriage books that call marriage a 50-50 relationship. Supposedly, each spouse does their 50 percent and they live in harmony. In reality, 50-50 relationships are doomed because they are based solely on expectations. When one or both spouse thinks they have done their 50 percent for the day, they stop. Jesus loves us completely; He never stops. Showing His love is complete giving, one to the other.
19. Intentional teaching of Christ-and-church relationships should include dating.
Where better to start reflecting Christ and His church than in the process that will lead to picking one’s spouse? Young men could be encouraged to see picking up their date, opening doors, paying for the date, and other aspects as reflecting the love Christ has for His church. Young women can see positively affirming Christlike behavior as a reflection of the church. There is more to say about this, but this will suffice for now. We must be cautious not to make this some kind of legalistic practice of dating but a joyous expression of faith.
20. God is not called Father as a comparison to earthly fathers. He is “Father” and we are called to be fathers like Him.
This one really doesn’t require further explanation.
21. The church is “Mother,” the vessel through which God gives life to His children through Baptism and the proclamation of the Gospel, and nurtures life through the ministry of Word and Sacrament.
The only biblical reference to this is Isaiah 66:7–14. In the New Testament, new birth takes place through Baptism, and nurture takes place through the care of the church in Word and Sacrament.
22. No matter what our age, we are all children of God.
While it is true that God created us to be His own, the major teaching about us being God’s children is based on the adoption price God paid by Jesus’ atoning sacrifice.
23. Aggressive little boys don’t need a pill, they need a purpose.
For the past few decades, large numbers of little boys have been given medication because they have shown aggression. Aggression is a normal thing in boys. In most cases, their aggression just needs to be channeled in positive ways. Sports can help with that. Parents also need to find ways to help boys channel their energy toward serving others (helping neighbors, etc.).
24. Boys learn to be men from their fathers, and must find feminine love and acceptance from their mothers.
The contribution of both parents is vital.
25. Girls learn to be women from their mothers, and must find male love and acceptance from their fathers.
See above.
26. Pastoral premarital counseling is primarily done to help couples discover who they were made to be and how they can confess their faith by their love for each other as a reflection of Christ and the church.
Pastors should lead couples through a discussion of the differences between male and female that will be a source of great joy and also great frustration. Being one flesh with a fellow sinner of the opposite sex poses challenges that can only be met with God’s grace. Forgiveness is vital: God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of one another. Pastors must also discuss the miracle of life that occurs in marriage and the stewardship required to raise young men and women in Christ.
27. Pastoral marital counseling is primarily done to discover and reconcile the couple’s sins against each other so they may replace the relationship they had with one that reflects Christ and the church.
My pastoral counseling has been to pursue this dual purpose. Most problems in marriage are the result of unresolved conflicts. We sin against each other, and we do not resolve those sins through confession and forgiveness. Subsequent sins are simply added to the pile until there is a mound of unresolved sins against each other. I work with the couple to identify and resolve those sins. While doing that, I also take them through a discussion of the Gospel relationship between Christ and the church, as discussed in Ephesians 5. To the best of my knowledge, by God’s grace, every couple who has completed this process is still married.
28. Congregations need to consider whether their ministry reflects the fact that they are the Bride/Body of Christ.
The subjection of the church to Jesus is the receiving of His sacrificial love and then responding in love. Congregations are called to proclaim Christ’s love and to show that love to one another and to others. The church is the means by which God gives life to His children through Baptism and the spreading of the Gospel, and by which He sustains life through the nurture of Word and Sacrament.
29. Congregations should regularly evaluate whether that is being effectively done.
Congregations should consistently look for ways to be reminded that worship is an interaction between Christ and His Bride.
One of the hallmarks of any marriage is the interaction between husband and wife. The primary interaction between Christ and His Bride is worship. Simple reminders of that reality will enhance worship and be a reminder of the marriage covenant of salvation in which we live and that we seek to imitate in our marriages.
30. Congregations should intentionally look for ways to promote true masculinity and femininity without becoming legalistic.
We sinners have a habit of taking wondrous gifts from God and making them into expectations and burdens. May God grant us the grace to regard His gifts as gifts.
31. Congregations might want to look for ways to use marriage and family as a tool for sharing the faith.
Since the model of marriage is the marriage covenant of salvation, congregations may want to use this truth as outreach. With all the issues in our society dealing with gender, family, and sexuality, we are being invited to discuss family in the public realm. Congregations might want to offer Bible studies and other such events that promote biblical family relationships.
32. In all things, congregations should take to heart the frequent words of Paul: “Encourage one another.”
In this sin-sick world, Christians need to encourage one another in God’s grace. It is part of our calling in the love of Christ; not an obligation but a joyous expression of our faith.
33. The content of our hymns sings the faith into our souls.
Many of us had memory work in school or confirmation class. Some of that included memory verses from Scripture. We have committed other Scripture to memory because of what a particular text has meant in our walk of faith. But the substance of our faith that most of us remember best comes from hymns. We sing hymns with great frequency and are thus able to remember their content. While we may make great effort to learn through sermons, readings, and Bible studies, the easiest content to remember is the stanzas of our hymns. Great care should be taken in selecting hymns for worship, because hymns are the means by which we sing the faith into our souls.
34. The question “What would Jesus do?” is answered by what He did, particularly on the cross.
WWJD wristbands, necklaces, and bumper stickers were a common fad a generation ago, and the concept has remained part of our conversation since. For many, this is a spiritual process of speculation. It need not be. To determine what Jesus would do, we simply look at what He did, especially in completing His mission by His death on the cross and His resurrection. WWJD is answered with the example of Calvary; He always did the sacrificial thing.
35. The worldview of Christianity is from the cross and empty tomb.
Much is made these days about worldview. How does one view the world, and what does that view cause one to believe and do? Humanism is a very individualistic and selfish worldview. Other worldviews are determined by religious beliefs, cultural norms, or nationalistic tendencies. There is debate about what the Christian worldview is. Some believe it is the viewpoint of the sovereign God seated on the throne of power in heaven; this is called a theology of glory. Other Christians (Lutherans included) view the world from the cross and empty tomb; this is called a theology of the cross. What is this view? This worldview sees what Jesus sees in coming to save us. All people are fellow sinners. All people are also those for whom Jesus died. We understand the problems of this world as resulting from sin. We also see all people as precious because Jesus came to die for them. We value life because He valued us all so much that He came to die for our sins. We know that all are “precious in His sight” because we see all people from the point of view of the cross.
36. There are only two religions in the world.
While there appear to be many religions in the world, all the false religions are religions of the Law. They all proclaim some form of self-righteousness. Our sinful nature is tied to the Law. Our nature naturally gravitates to it. What is unique about Christianity is the Gospel, the message that God came to save us from our sins. This would never occur to natural, sinful men, so none of the religions of the world come up with it. So, ultimately, we have the religion of Law and Gospel (the truth of Christianity) and the religion of the Law (all religions imagined by natural man).
37. Evangelism is more persistence than persuasion.
The power is in the message, not the messenger. Simple witness, or invitation, is far more effective than trying to convince with some elaborate presentation. Sow the seed by bringing others in contact with God’s grace, and let God be God.
38. What we think as simple or inconsequential is often what the Spirit uses to do wonders.
We are tempted to think that we have to do momentous things to help people in time of need. We struggle with what to say or do to meet people in those moments when their need seems greatest. Many people have commented on moments when I have helped them—pivotal moments in their lives. Often, I don’t remember the circumstances at all. When I do, I mostly remember listening and providing a simple devotion and prayer. How can such simple contributions be incredible moments in the lives of those who needed them? God uses the simple to do the wonderful. We make simple contributions, trusting God to meet the needs of those we do them for. He performs wonders through our otherwise ordinary acts of love and kindness.
39. The truth isn’t found between the lines of Scripture; it is found on them.
Many people look for hidden meanings or codes in the structure of the biblical texts. They string together theories about what message might lie beneath the surface of the ancient text of Scripture. Put away your magnifying glasses, linguistic code manuals, and ancient conspiracy theories. The life-giving, miraculous message of the Bible is found in the easy-to-read words of Law and Gospel revealed to the writers over the course of about one and a half millennia, and that message is available to read in the sentences and paragraphs of the sixty-six books of God’s Word.
40. Enjoy the time you are living. It goes by quickly.
It seems just a little while ago that a young man walked across the seminary chapel to receive his call to a dual parish in Minnesota. In fact, it was forty-one years ago. Those years have been filled with family joys and sorrows, including the family of God in three different parishes. Change was as certain as the dawn, while the Word of God remained the great constant, and the grace of God energized the moments God called me to. As I anticipate the end of being a full-time pastor, I am confident that God will raise up men to serve His church faithfully. My advice to them is to enjoy the time God gives them in His service. Don’t look beyond where you are and who you serve. See His call in the faces of the people God has entrusted into your care. Proclaim His Word in, and out of, worship. Enjoy each moment that God gives in the service of His people.